Question to the psychologist:

Hello. Very confused in my family relationships because of the problem that she created herself literally out of the blue. My husband and I have been together for 7 years, dated for 3 years and married for 4. From the moment we met and until the story that happened to us, there was never any doubt that I made a mistake in my choice. Everything was always good in our life, relations were built on complete trust and mutual understanding, we had many goals that we aspired to, many common interests. My husband is both a friend and a good lover for me, and our family is a real strong union. 2 years ago our daughter was born, my husband began to work at a highly paid job, everything went uphill for us. Under random circumstances this summer, I met a man. He is a married man, he has been married for 8 years, he has a son. It so happened that between us there was an intimacy. It did not happen by accident, but deliberately. When I first saw this man, I felt a wild attraction to him. Later she admitted to herself that even at the initial stage of relations with her husband, she did not experience anything like this, perhaps due to her inexperience at that time. The man with whom I cheated on my husband was just my type, initially outwardly. After intimacy, I thought that we would never meet this person again, but the circumstances were such that we began to meet regularly. It's just that circumstances began to bring us together so often that each meeting led to my intimacy with him. We agreed to have sex without commitment, as we had no other options. They began to meet every week 1 time, or if possible, since I am on maternity leave, and he is working. Called up only to see, either he called me, or I. Each of our meetings was an outburst of incredible emotions, I just reveled in this man who was insanely attracted to me. Our meetings were short-lived, but fruitful: we discussed neutral topics, joked, laughed, gave each other advice, did not talk only about our soul mates. I never climbed into his family, and he did not climb into mine. My relationship with my husband just stopped at that time. My husband got tired after work, immediately went to bed, deep down it irritated me insanely, and I didn’t care that he gave all his best at work for the sake of our family so that we could live without denying ourselves anything. The lover just came to my house with my husband, where another sin happened on our matrimonial bed. He did not give me gifts, and I did not need them from him, it was simply the strongest attraction, the pleasure of waiting for a meeting with him. I stopped seeing the world around me, reveled in the fact that a lover is absolutely my type of man, I began to recognize him from every meeting, I saw him positive sides except for his infidelity to his wife. My attitude towards him began to develop into more than just no commitment. Then I began to understand that I was starting to fall in love with him, although I didn’t show it. Our relationship had lasted for six months, and deep down I began to understand that they did not give me anything, except for the destruction of my 7 years, which I lived happily with my husband. Yes, my lover is my type, but he is already busy and not me. It hurt me, I began to bite my elbows, why didn’t I get it earlier, why am I not his wife. In the intimate side, I gave myself to him without a trace. But before the new year, I had a certain epiphany: I was frightened by the thought that this relationship could stretch for years, everything was too good and convenient for him. I decided to break this connection. I decided to honestly admit this to my husband, I simply did not have the strength to deceive him, I was tired of walking with thoughts about my lover and hopes for meetings, which by the end of our relationship became just weekly. During this time, the lover honestly admitted to me that he was drawn to me, and above all my availability. Nothing else. The husband was simply unrecognizable, he turned black with grief. In general, I have a very hidden person, it is difficult to bring him to emotions. He keeps everything to himself. At first, he decided to file for divorce, as I trampled him like a man, bringing a lover to our house. I honestly admitted that the other one was just my type, which for some reason I did not want to let go of myself. Then we found the strength to talk, we decided to start all over again, but so far for more than a month our relationship has remained very strained. After confessing to my husband, I called up my lover and told everything as it is. He said why I told him, it was still so good, he was very scared for his family, what would happen if his wife found out everything, he said that everything in his life basically suits him, it’s just that something was missing in his relationship lately, he admitted that he had a strong sympathy for me, but he does not want to change his life radically. We agreed to delete each other's numbers and not call again, and also thanked each other for what it was, and that was it. By the way, my husband then called him and said a few words to him, I think you understand what. He listened to everything calmly and could not even say anything. Thus ended our story with him. But I still can't forget it. My husband has already explained to me, from a male point of view, how profitable it is to have a married mistress, that they just used me no more, and I seem to understand this, but my heart can’t let it go, how is it, he went to me for six months, called , said that he was bored, and so he immediately and quickly disappeared. I still can't accept it. On the one hand, I want to fix everything with my husband. Every day we scroll through this topic, we are offended, reconciled, sex has become passionate, but our relationship is still very difficult, like scales, it seems that everything is getting better, it just doesn’t work out. On the one hand, I don’t want to lose my family, to deprive my daughter of her father, because nevertheless my husband and I were fine exactly until the moment I met another. Yes, even if my husband is not my type, but I chose him for life and did not regret it even once exactly until I met another. And on the other hand, I can’t let go of the thought of that other man, how he left me so quickly, it was still so good, why did he leave my life like that right away? I always thought that if it were possible to connect these two men, this would be the ideal person for me with whom I would like to connect my life. How do I let go of the thought of a lover whose phone number I still remember by heart? How to resist the temptation to call? The husband said that he forgave me only because we have a daughter and that I found the strength to confess. If I repeat this - there will be a divorce. And I don’t even want to get a divorce, because I always lived happily in harmony with my husband, and I still remember my lover, How to restore harmony in my soul, restore peace to a once happy family, into which another man just once wedged. And most importantly, how to forget this other, who just turned my life upside down, without wanting to? Help me please. My husband and I are already emotionally devastated.

The psychologist answers the question.

Hello Alena!

You wrote a lot about how well you live with your husband and how harmoniously relations develop in your family. But strong relationships do not mean stability and complete harmony. When everything is good for too long, you stop appreciating it. In addition, the basis of relationships is respect for the personality of the other. Ask yourself why you succumbed to passions, went to treason? You are a smart woman who can control her sexual instincts. It was not passion that blinded you, it was you consciously chose, but for what reason it is worth understanding yourself.

You clearly understood that you were committing, as you write, a “sin”. Those. this was not the norm for you, and in your moral values ​​it is considered a sin and can lead to adverse consequences. But nevertheless, you went for it. It is worth saying that this did not happen on the day when you gave yourself to another man, but rather a cumulative state that was maturing and waiting for the right situation. Surely, being in a relationship with your husband, you had the opportunity to see and communicate with other men who showed sympathy for you, but you carried a different message, because at that time your relationship with your husband was significant and valuable to you. But at some point you allowed yourself more. This is normal, a woman develops and reveals herself throughout her life. Some of your sides were hidden from you, you either did not allow yourself "forbidden" thoughts and fantasies, or the dynamics of the development of relations with your husband suited you. Gradually, you began to miss what was, but most likely you did not attach any importance to this. I suppose that you, in principle, before, were not inclined to analyze your family, feel peaks and valleys and track changes in feelings. Everything developed and went on as usual, and it suited you, it is unlikely that you made great efforts for this. But a person is arranged in such a way that when something is given to him easily, it is rarely appreciated ... so you yourself did not notice how you began to perceive your husband and family as something that will not go anywhere, as a matter of course.

In addition, your relationship with your husband was originally built on partnership and friendship, and not on passion and uncontrollable attraction. You write that your lover is your type, but it turns out that your husband is not yours? Then what was valuable and important for you in your husband when you chose him? You also mention that even at the beginning of your relationship with your husband you didn't experience what you experienced with your lover. This is what you lacked, but you did not attach any importance to it, because outwardly everything was good, stable and correct! And this was your omission, because it is the woman who is responsible for the atmosphere in the family. Apparently, before your relationship with your husband, you either didn’t have such serious and long-term hobbies, or you had them, but they were insignificant, so you didn’t have time to know yourself to the end and experience those same passions in order to understand what is actually more important: passion and desire or a strong union based on equality and respect for each other. Passion and constant sexual desire sooner or later leave the relationship, but in this place a deep affection appears, the value of a loved one increases and the path traveled together is something more important and meaningful than bright sex.

Your husband correctly told you that for a married man, a married mistress is an ideal option for sex on the side. Especially since you didn't ask for anything else! You have devalued yourself so much in his eyes that he did not even try to please you with gifts, flowers, surprises, and so on. This is what a truly in love man does without being reminded. This is his instinct, he wins so much, you don’t even need to ask him about it. The lover told you honestly that he was attracted by your availability, moreover, he didn’t even have to strain to rent an apartment nearby or rent a hotel room, so that it was at least on neutral territory. He really just used you, and you continue to indulge yourself with the illusion that he misses you and is drawn to you. There will be hundreds of others in your place, and you, too, are most likely not the first, although you may not know about it. The most valuable thing in a Woman is her self-esteem. If you have lost him, then you have deprived your husband of this rod. You really hurt him a lot, especially in your family bed! Try to put yourself in his place. If your husband cheated on you with another woman on your bed, in your house, where your things are, your child is playing, how would you feel? You can close your eyes to a single case, spontaneous, thoughtless, under the influence of feelings / emotions / attraction, but you have built a system of such relationships, this is no longer a situational betrayal, it can also be regarded as a betrayal, moreover, a conscious one.

By and large, Alena, you could have received these emotions from your husband, but for this you had to be interested in relationships with him and personally build a family, consciously, and not go with the flow and languish in anticipation of a miracle. You write that sex with your husband has become brighter, have you ever wondered why, what has changed? The husband remained the same type, with the same hands and body, but you feel differently with him, why? Think about it. Think about when and why they stopped appreciating and respecting him? And of course, you need to decide whether you want to continue to be close to him, can you, once betraying him, raise him again in your eyes and be true to him and yourself?

Are you asking how to restore harmony to a once happy family? No way. These are the very consequences for which you are responsible. And only time and your joint efforts in this direction will help ease the experience, but they will always remain with you. The wound that you inflicted on your husband will heal, but the scar will remain, which means that there will be no trust and idyll, as before, there will be something else, something that you will build in this place. Of course, if you make the decision to stay married to your husband and work on your relationship, sooner or later you will begin to notice changes and notice thaws and closeness with each other, but there will also be fears and fears that if this happens again, moreover, both on your part and on the part of your husband ...

Regarding your lover, you can thank him for opening up new emotions and experiences to you, somehow revealing your femininity in a new way, perhaps liberating you in some way. Thank him mentally for this and let him go. You are right that he is not yours and never was yours. But for some reason you and your family needed it. This is an experience that will help you grow and reach a different level of life, while learning the mistakes you made. Understand that some stories in life are corrected more by time, so tune in to long-term work and do not try to force events for the sake of an external picture. If you want to talk in more detail, you can write to me by mail, I will definitely answer.

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Love does not always arise for a person who may be nearby, and we are talking about feelings for married man. It also happens that a married woman is fond of someone who is not her legal spouse. Extramarital affairs that last even several years, in rare cases, end in a happy reunion of lovers. Most men who decide to cheat do not plan to leave their wife and marry a mistress, so such relationships usually do not have prospects. Forgetting a lover is what a woman who dreams of a happy family and true love should do.

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Why should you forget your lover?

No matter how strong the feelings for a married man are, communication with him must be ended for the following reasons:

1. 1. A man who allows himself extramarital affairs is a priori unreliable. A girl who falls in love with a married man needs to look objectively at the behavior of the object of passion and understand that a man who deceives his wife will do this with any woman.
2. 2. Communication with an unfree man makes a girl humiliate - meet her beloved only at a convenient time for him, communicate in secret, give up desires to spend holidays together, understand that a loved one belongs entirely to his legal wife. Every woman deserves sincere and true love, and breaking up with her lover will increase the chances of meeting a soulmate.
3. 3. A lover always shows the woman in love with him the best sides of his character, while he prefers to hide his shortcomings. If a girl suddenly has to become the legal wife of such a man, then many unpleasant surprises await her in the form of his habits, debts, and obligations towards children that are unacceptable in everyday life.
4. 4. If a woman is not married, then the role of a mistress should make her think about her situation. A similar fate is typical for girls who are afraid of a serious relationship or have low self-esteem. Breaking the connection with her lover and analyzing her behavior will allow you to find the reason why the girl agrees to a secondary role in the life of her lover, and work on her psychological problems.

The advice of psychologists is necessary for those women who are thinking about ending their relationship with a married lover once and for all. The peculiarities of behavior in this case depend not only on the reasons for such a decision, but also on the marital status of the woman.

How to survive cheating husband

What to do if the beloved left?

It happens that a man who has an extramarital affair with a girl decides to leave his mistress. For a woman, this event becomes a real shock, and she wants to forget the person who left as soon as possible. There are tips to help you survive parting with an unfree man:

1. 1. First of all, an abandoned woman should not arrange a showdown. It must be understood that a relationship with a mistress does not imply any responsibility for her. Even if it is very difficult to accept what happened, you need to show pride and let go of your lover.
2. 2. The girl should quickly get rid of material evidence of the novel: correspondence, gifts and other reminders of failed love. It is recommended to refuse to visit places where romantic meetings with a lover took place in the past. If the lover liked certain clothes or accessories, it is better to forget about them for a while.
3. 3. A woman needs to objectively consider the personality of her lover and focus on his shortcomings, the main of which is a tendency to lie and betrayal.
4. 4. Parting with an unfree man opens up new prospects for a happy relationship with a man who is not burdened by marriage. Realizing this over time will help stop regretting parting, even with those to whom you are strongly attracted.
5. 5. A woman needs to become open to new acquaintances. This will help to understand that there are many worthy and, most importantly, free men around her.

A person with whom a romantic relationship was connected cannot be thrown out of the heart in a matter of days. A girl who had a relationship with a married man will need several months to get rid of destructive feelings and forget a hopeless relationship.

How to behave if a former lover is a colleague?

If it was an office romance, then forgetting the man you work with is not so easy. Many ladies in this case decide to leave work, but this option is not acceptable for everyone. If a girl values ​​​​a career in the company where her former lover works, then she will have to choose a special tactic of behavior that allows her to say goodbye to unnecessary feelings.

First of all, you need to give up the desire to demonstrate your resentment in the workplace. Showdowns, hysterical behavior and rudeness towards the former will only warm up the unnecessary interest of employees in what is happening, which will negatively affect the business reputation. If a girl and a married colleague had a romantic relationship and they have to contact about work, all communication is devoted exclusively to solving business issues. In a conversation with a former lover, one should not be rude, scoff, and in other ways demonstrate one's resentment. Communication should be business-like and absolutely indifferent.

To stop thinking about a married colleague, it is recommended to concentrate on work, hobbies and new acquaintances. Gradually, the memories of the novel dear to the heart will go away forever, and the woman will be able to live a full life, in which there will definitely be a place for promising relationships.

Sometimes life develops in such a way that a well-established life and carefully built family comfort become not the main thing. Suddenly She appears, another lady, to whom she is unimaginably drawn, and now the years of life lived together with her wife are fading into the past. In the present, only she remains, a new passion, unknown, alluring, promising.

However, after a while you begin to understand that marriage is a very important part of your life, and you want to stay only with her, that young lady that you once chose as your partner. How to overcome an irrational and not always understandable feeling for another, how to learn to cope with this craving, sometimes even unhealthy? How to return to the family and again love your wife with all your heart?

Most The best way change something - first understand it. You need to put your emotions aside and figure out the reasons, and only then you can understand what exactly to do if you are strongly drawn to that other one.

Surprisingly, the reasons can be so varied and so inexplicable that one wonders. Someone has clear and strong associations with the childish image of first love, pure, selfless, not overshadowed by partings, pain and betrayal. Such a factor sometimes becomes a smell that causes some kind of complex, but painfully pleasant feelings - and the aroma of her perfume will be felt for a long time in every gust of wind. The sound of her voice. emotions from her appearance. Any fact, anything, and not necessarily deep penetration into the soul.

There is also banal sex - one of the most common reasons.

In such cases, the appearance of a mistress in a man is usually associated with a lack of sex in the family bed or with a lack of variety. In any taboo, categorically unacceptable spouse for one reason or another, or complexes. She sometimes has an inappropriate headache, she gets tired when she comes home from work, she has many reasons - after all, the spouse lives with you, and does not just appear for some convenient time and disappear again. And the girl with whom the man meets and she does not have time to get used to him, suddenly turns out to be an acrobat or will have an inexhaustible fantasy in the complete absence of complexes. This is interesting in itself, and especially in the absence or lack of sex in married life.

It also happens that an acute feeling of falling in love with another person flares up. Sometimes even love. And it will seem a hundred times stronger than it was ever to his wife. Or vice versa, these feelings do not require obligations, they are easy and pleasant. And here the situation becomes more complicated: when you are in love, you see another person brighter, deeper, more penetrating. Then, if the need comes to break ties and return to the attuned life and marriage, it becomes too painful and confusing.

A woman is able to bind a man doubly by leaving him. It’s a paradox, of course, but nevertheless, then the hunter’s instinct kicks in sharply, and even if the man himself has already tried to break the existing connection, no one likes to be abandoned. And in contrast, he begins to hold her, following the instincts.

But what about the spouse?

It's pretty clear why this is happening. But what to do with this, how to return the old, cozy home relationships with such a dear and painfully familiar wife? Try to see in her what attracted you once when you decided to start building a life together. Try to consider in it not only what was good once, but also what is beautiful in it today. Talk to her heart to heart, sincerely, remember that you have something to talk about and remember. She dreams of something, strives for something, loves something and wants from life - it's worth a lot.

What kind of magician will you suddenly become if you give gifts not to the other one, but to your partner, who appreciates them and thanks you. Open yourself to her just as you open her to yourself. Let me see your fears, dreams, without fear of anything. Become understandable, accessible and close to her. Consider in it the person you are now looking for on the side. Surely you will find those features that attract you in another woman, and in your wife - how long have you looked at her so carefully? Once you started building your life together, it's not too late to continue what you started, albeit from a different line.

Be a Pygmalion, make yourself a lady from your wife. Tell her what you would like, what is important to you, what you value, especially if it has changed since the day you met or compared to the beginning of your life together. Time goes by, people change. Perhaps she will also be interested in trying on a different role. To return the image of the former self - if she is tired and has forgotten her femininity in everyday life.

Think about how you will feel if your spouse leaves tomorrow, disappears from your life forever. Make sure that doesn't happen today. Then you will be able to appreciate how important it is for you to have her next to you - the one who remembers you young, with whom you have not only common children, but also shared events and joys. No one else will remember them but her.

If the mistress is only for sex, you can break the connection by talking with her about the desire to return home. There will simply be no one, and no one will be able to give you advice in this matter - it depends on the mistress, on the nature of your relationship with her, and many other, not always predictable, factors.

It's always harder to break up if the interactions you've had were more emotional than physical.

You can, of course, do this abruptly and without explanation, simply by disappearing from her life. But it will be quite unpleasant not only for her, but also for you. Therefore, the conversation will be a more humane way out in this situation. If you communicate on an emotional level, you may well be honest and open with her, she will appreciate and accept this, even if not immediately.

In any case, try not to hurt the other person, especially if you know the pain points. Of course, you most of all want to protect yourself from unnecessary hassle and difficulties, but if it so happened that several actors are involved in the situation, you can try to protect them to the maximum.

It is important at the same time not to prolong the pleasure and take decisive steps, without returning suspiciously to the previous positions. Decision requires implementation.

How to forget another woman and return to yours

If the question "How to forget a mistress?" you set firmly and decided to return to marriage, a few recommendations on this topic, a kind of psychologist's advice on restoring marriage and strong feelings within the couple, may be useful to you.

Do not look for a meeting with that, the other. No matter how difficult it is, do not feed your passions with additional incentives. If you constantly see it in front of you, even just looking at the photo, you will not make your path easier. No wonder people say: out of sight, out of mind. The less often you see each other, the easier it is to forget her.

Do not try to find out from your friends or mutual acquaintances how she is doing, what she is doing, who she sees. Do not injure yourself or them - they may have to choose sides. Delete the phone numbers associated with her, photos, and any reminders of her and what you had. Do not provoke yourself to possible calls.

Look for some new hobby or return to a well-forgotten old one.

Fishing, chess, skydiving, equestrianism - anything that can distract you from thoughts and memories. Better yet, find an activity that will be interesting for your spouse. Joint pastime unites, you will have new memories, new impressions, you will have something to talk about. At the same time, you can devote more time to your wife, reveal new qualities and traits in her.

Often a relationship with a mistress has more to do with neurosis than with love as such. Therefore, if it is difficult for you to cope with this condition on your own, consultation of a specialized specialist - a psychologist, a psychotherapist - will help you. There is nothing shameful in asking for help from someone who has already eaten a dog in this matter. Experience plus knowledge and professionalism can make the journey back to the family shorter and easier.

Question to a psychologist

Good evening. I am 28, I am married, a month ago my second daughter was born, during pregnancy I sent my wife with her first child to another city, to my parents. I live for six months. It so happened, at work drew attention to another. Initially, we agreed that this would not be for long and I would not leave the family. The relationship turned out to be short-lived (about 3 months), the meetings were infrequent, but I constantly thought about her. As a result, a few days ago we decided to end them, especially since she decided to restore relations with the former young man whom she was going to marry. We communicate, call up, she is still going to get married in the near future, I am happy for her, but unfortunately I cannot forget her. I can’t do everything, but I won’t leave the family either, especially now that another child has been born. How to forget her? I can't work, I can't talk to my wife, I can't think of anything else. Thank you.

Alexey, do not try to forget, the more you try, the more you get bogged down in this, for the forbidden fruit and all the ensuing consequences from here. Analyze what exactly attracts you with thoughts to her? Ease of meetings, romance, maybe a special understanding? Or good sex?

If you do not want to leave the family, then spend time with this family! Make your life in the family interesting and eventful - the way your mistress provided you. Joint interesting pastime, common affairs - will bring you closer and switch attention. Try to understand what attracts you in that girl and find it in your own life. After all, meet her to get a feel for what it is. But to be gloomy and unhappy at the moment when your wife needs your support, and the eldest daughter needs special attention - this is really a sin :) Do whatever you like, but put yourself in order, remember that you are the head of the family and you are responsible for how your loved ones feel. And how you achieve this - with or without a mistress - does not matter so much. But in general, you can always solve the problem different ways not only directly. Look for what you lack and embody it in your family.

Golysheva Evgenia Andreevna, psychologist Moscow

Good answer 3 bad answer 0

Hello, please help! Our marriage is 17 years old. The first time my husband cheated was when his first daughter was 1.5 years old. I forgave you. They began to live, everything was fine, they were happy. Four years ago, he insisted on a second child. A wonderful girl was born, but very restless, sleepless nights affected me, denied him intimacy (there was only one thought - to sleep). Six months ago, I accidentally found out that he had a mistress (although, of course, there were already suspicions). It happened on the 1st day of our vacation. On the beach, he, having gone for drinks, left the phone, and then an SMS came, I was in shock. Children are nearby, people are sunbathing. Then he called her again, saying that he loves, and then I again came in at the wrong time. She cried for three days, then got ready - we talked a lot, said that she loved me (she, too!) And the children. We had crazy sex. And I was so afraid to be left alone, realizing that if everything had happened at home, everything would have been different. The kids love him and they love him. We arrived, put the question point-blank: me or her. In front of me, he called her, said that everything (and so calm). And again, crazy sex, walking together, holding hands, like schoolchildren. He said that he fell in love with me again, and was able to save his family, he would not have been able to do without us. I also feel like I love him.
Now, six months later, I seem to calm down, let go of everything, but no way. Almost every day I replay the situation anew, I remember everything to the smallest detail, and a lump in my throat rolls up to my throat. I hate myself and can't do anything! How to forget such a betrayal? And the question is still tormenting - if he told his mistress that he loves, then could he really forget her so easily and delete her from life, I don’t understand. If I could, I asked him myself, but our question is closed. And I'm tired of living with such a burden.

Elena, St. Petersburg, 35 years old

Family Psychologist Answer:

Hello, Elena.

If he told his mistress that he loves, these could be ritual words that for him meant only a pass to her bed, no matter how harsh it may sound. But you yourself understand that there are women for whom it is important to hear this, and it is not so important how sincerely it is said. It is important that it was said. And, accordingly, the relationship can already be qualified by this woman not as "just sex", but as something more significant. And a man could just pick up on her need for it, and being interested in an affair with her, just tell her what she wanted to hear. Ask yourself the question: what is the point of scrolling through the situation? What does it give you? Every action has some positive intention. Do you think about it to "not relax"? Are you afraid to trust your husband, and therefore again cause these thoughts, so as not to trust him again 100%? This happens quite often as well. And at this level, you will have to decide with yourself the question, do you want to trust him completely again? And are you able to work on yourself for this? Another option: you did not throw out the insult to the end, and the issue turned out to be “closed” before you had time to digest it. And now you seem to be obliged to be silent. Naturally, if there was a need to express something, but you did not have time, then these thoughts will spin until you throw them out. But it is not necessary to do this in a conversation with a husband. Write a letter. Where once again properly throw out all your pain and resentment. And then burn this letter. You can do this over and over until it really gets easier. If this does not help, it makes sense to visit a specialist, because anyway, each person is a unique case, and it is better to personally find out his motives for getting stuck in offense.

Sincerely, Nesvitsky Anton Mikhailovich.